Artwork by Mia Nogueira

Since its conception, the Internet has been a marvel of information, speed, and technology. With a couple of clicks, one can listen to the Berlin Philharmonic perform Beethoven’s Fifth, see the Great Wall of China, or pursue a treasure trove of information that would put the Libraries of Alexandria and Congress to shame, all without leaving the comfort of one’s chair.

Pretty impressive, huh? Yes, without the Internet, society would not be as advanced as it is today. However, the Internet is not all knowledge and culture. In fact, it’s mostly fun and games. Which would be good, if all the fun didn’t distract its users from the numerous research papers, essays, articles, and other work they should be doing. Yes, the Internet is the devious mastermind behind every hour of procrastination that dogs our work output. In fact, I’ve had at least four different sites distract me from writing this article since its inception.

It is through these silly, time-wasting sites that the Internet has become a concrete addition to modern culture. In fact, the words unfriend, heart, as a verb, (as in to heart someone) and the acronyms LOL, FYI, and OMG, have been added to the dictionary due to the Internet. Social Networking sites like Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and Myspace have forever changed the way people interact with one another. Search engines like Google, Yahoo, and Bing can take their users anywhere they want to go, as well as into new frontiers. Video sites like YouTube and Dailymotion can provide distractions from cats playing the piano to a skateboarder falling on his face. The Internet is everywhere, whether one wants to embrace it or not.

And therein lies the problem. Now that the Internet has forced its way into everyday life, it is impossible to ignore the effect it has. While there are definite advantages to having vast stores of information readily available, it seems that there are more and more piles of garbage and fewer pockets of important material. In today’s America, Wikipedia has the answers to any question, “LOL” can be heard in the hallways as an accepted word, and YouTube star Justin Bieber sells out concerts. In fact, the Internet is now recognized as a proper noun, and has to be capitalized. Does no one else see what’s wrong with this? The internet is a tool, not a name, place, or event. It is a means to an end, whether that be researching a paper, reading an article, interacting with friends, or simply wasting time on amusing sites.

However, I’m not trying to imply the internet is a morally reprehensible thing. In fact, much good has come from it. Though occasionally we have to deal with trash like Beiber and Rebecca Black, YouTube has become an outlet for many up-and-coming musicians, comedians, and directors. The video-sharing site has given birth to artists like the singing comedian Bo Burnham, who combines jaunty tunes with witty, satirical, and often raunchy lyrics/one-liners.  Thanks to his popularity on the site, Bo has gone on to perform two stand-up shows for Comedy Central.

YouTube is full to bursting with ridiculous videos, but many of the users have gone on to do greater things. Comedian Shane Dawson of ShaneDawsonTV has earned the eye of Adam Sandler’s production company, Happy Madison, to create a TV show, and comedian/cooking masters Epic Meal Time, whose videos consist of creating ridiculous high-calorie meals consisting of meat (mostly bacon) and alcohol, are working on creating a cooking show for Comedy Central. I’m not sure whether it’s a step in the right direction or a horrible plunge backwards when people on YouTube are escalated to stardom, but if it brings hilarious people like Bo Burnham and the crazed group of Epic Meal Time into the limelight, then I’m all for it.

The internet is a necessary evil. Though humanity may have to deal with the acronyms OMG and LOL becoming part of everyday life, or have to listen to Rebecca Black through bleeding ears, the internet has given birth to talented entertainers. YouTube has created a medium where previously unknown entertainers have ridden the elevator to celebrity status, when they most likely would never have been noticed before. Overall, I’d say that’s a pretty even trade. We may not see eye to eye all the time, internet, but even though you distract me from doing my actual job, I salute you. I still refuse to capitalize your name, however.

Photo by Mia Nogueira

Fitting in with the crowd has never been one of Nico Camacho’s goals. Frequently dressed in all black, and never without his characteristic vest covered in patches of various metal bands, it’s hard not to notice when Nico passes by. “I’m a little bit of a misfit,” said Nico, with a chuckle. “[I’m] as avant-garde as most people come.”

Beneath Nico’s unorthodox exterior lies a talented musician, who plays a grand total of four different instruments: the guitar, electric bass, string bass, and cello. “I started playing the guitar when I was about nine or ten. Then I gave up,” said Nico. “I gave up because I just didn’t get it. I tried having a teacher, and that never worked, but I ended up just picking it back up and teaching myself, and I learned to play by ear.”

Learning to play one instrument completely by ear is a feat very few musicians can accomplish, and four instruments is almost unheard of. But Nico isn’t most musicians, and when his musical prowess comes up in conversation, he merely shrugs. “I just have a really good ear,” he says. “I come from a family of musicians. My dad plays wind instruments of all sorts, and my brother used to play guitar. My dad’s side of the family has a lot of musicians. Everyone around my uncle plays some sort of instrument, and my ten-year old cousin is one of the best pianists I’ve ever heard.”

With a family like Nico’s, it’s no surprise that he branched out to so many different instruments. “I started playing the bass out of necessity when I was about 13 or 14. I had a band named Dementia and we recorded an album, but the bass player we had left the band, so on the recording I just played the bass. It was really easy to pick up; I never really had any problem with it,” said Nico.

When he arrived at TJ, Nico soon turned to the acoustic upright bass so that he could play with the orchestra. Some musicians would have a bit of a hard time moving from the mid-sized electric bass guitar to the gargantuan string bass. Yet, once again, Nico was unfazed. “It was fun. I figured it out kind of fast. The only challenge was reading the music, and I figured that out within a month,” said Nico. “The only complicated transition I had was from playing the bass, to the cello. And that one took a little while, but I eventually picked it up.”

The transition from performing music memorized by ear to reading notes on sheet music is about as easy as using your non-dominant hand to write an essay in cursive.  Through dedication and practice Nico was able to decipher sheet music, which is fundamental to playing classical pieces, but not nearly as important for one in a metal band. “Honestly, it was more obnoxious to play; having to almost detach myself from the music and how I normally play into just copying what’s on the page,” said Nico. “It isn’t necessarily my style, but I did it anyway.”

Regardless of how many instruments Nico plays, there is one that means more to him than all the others. “The guitar is my favorite. The wide range of sounds and styles and things I’ve been able to create and come up with on the guitar that I don’t hear on other instruments; being able to mess with distortions or alter certain sounds, or make a guitar sound nothing like a guitar, that’s what I love.”

Nico’s prowess with the guitar has led to forming a band with some of his friends. “My band is called Megrim’s Blight, and we play depressing black metal,” said Nico. Not only is Nico the lead guitarist, but he also writes the music, lyrics, and is the leader of the band. “I write everything by myself, and then I present it to my band mates. I tell them what to do; I orchestrate the whole thing,” explained Nico. “They pretty much enjoy what I give them and they play it well.”

Last month, the band played a huge gig at the Oriental theater. “[It was] a big show with another local band that we’re pretty good friends with, the Sons of Sorath. We played in support of the Zeitgeist movement in Colorado,” said Nico. The next show for Megrim’s Blight is on May 7th at 2 Doors Down.

When he isn’t playing an instrument, Nico enjoys listening to music, and drawing. He says he likes drawing much darker things and, as dark and grotesque as his pictures may be, that he never has anything in mind when he begins, just starts drawing and letting the picture become what it becomes. “I enjoy drawing people, and I like to exaggerate people; to expose the grotesque human form,” said Nico.

Though he may not want to fit in with the crowd, Nico’s artistic skill with both instrument and pen are fantastic to behold, which is why it’s such a good thing he stands out.

Artwork by Mia Nogueira

On April 28th, the students involved in the Instrumental Music program performed their Spring Concert in the TJ auditorium.

Mastering an instrument is a feat that takes practice, skill, commitment, and determination. The Spring Concert is the perfect opportunity to showcase the progress and talent of students both new and old after a year of hard work.

The concert opened with the percussion playing a unique piece using everyday items one would find in a kitchen. “I was very impressed by the opening performance. It was very interesting to see music being performed using kitchen tools; blenders, pans, that sort of thing. It was very cool to see that,” said Senior Michael Kutz, who attended the concert.

After the percussion had finished recording, the string orchestra took the stage, performing various music from American to Shakespearian in style. When the strings had finished, different small ensembles performed pieces ranging from beginner to advanced.

During the entire experience, Seniors Luke DeGregori and Zach Salas emceed the concert with their characteristic humor. Many a bad joke was told, and many a silly stunt was pulled, but the two kept the ball rolling when there were technical difficulties with the instruments.

Before the band came out for the end of the show, a brief awards ceremony was held in order to honor those who had lettered, those who had performed outstandingly, and the seniors who would be gone the next year. It was a bittersweet time for the members of each branch of the instrumental music program as they honored one another, and bid adieu to their upperclassman leaders. Many awards were given out, including a scholarship for a band camp, awards for taking place in the Citywide Honors Band and String Orchestras, and the nationally recognized National Orchestra Award, given to DeGregori and Salas. Not to be outdone, DeGregori and Salas awarded Instrumental Music teacher Robin Johnson with a bouquet as a thank-you for the four years they had spent in her class.

When the awards had been given out, the band returned the stage to finish the concert. Though the concert may have not been comparable to the Colorado Symphony Orchestra, Johnson was pleased with the work her students had accomplished. “I was proud of the kids who showed up, stuck with [the program] the entire time, and the progress we all made,” said Johnson.

Luke DeGregori had similar sentiments regarding the show, saying that he too saw progress from the underclassmen. “I think there were lots of people who came in barely knowing how to play, and they walked out way better than I was at that point in my own [musical] career,” said DeGregori.

With many beginners picking up instruments up for the first time, it is nigh impossible to turn unskilled fingers and lungs into vessels that create music, but Johnson has pushed through it until the end. “I think Mrs. Johnson did well preparing us for it; it wasn’t perfect, naturally, but overall I think what really stood out was the improvement. The jump that we made from where we were at the beginning of the year to where we are now is huge,” said DeGregori.

Though the concert may have had its sticky situations, the advancement made by the Instrumental Music program at TJ has been momentous, crucial, and yes, instrumental to its continued success.

A twist in the plot of a movie is like a magician’s final act: it’s never mentioned until the very end, and it defines the entire performance, good or bad.

There are an alarming number of movies that use a plot twist as a selling point. The Saw series, though they are a guilty pleasure of mine, are chief among the offenders. When a sudden plot twist is advertised, or is the focal point of a movie, it is an almost sure sign that the film has nothing worthwhile to stand on besides a hastily constructed twist. A truly effective plot twist is coincidental to the climax, and either comes completely out of left field, or leads the viewer down the wrong path completely. Movies like Fight Club, Lucky Number Slevin, Citizen Kane, and Psycho are masters of the suspenseful twist, but there are very few modern movies that can adequately pull it off. Director Jaume Collet-Serra’s new thriller Unknown, however, passes the test with flying colors.

Unknown is the definition of a successful thriller, able to keep the viewers on the edge of their seats until the last credits roll. With Liam Neeson (The A-Team) as protagonist Dr. Martin Harris, I was sure I was going to enjoy the film. I was worried that it would be too similar to Neeson’s earlier butt-kicking escapade Taken (Pierre Morel, 2008), but I was satisfied to find that it was not. Taken is a great movie, full of anxiety and adrenaline, but there are only so many bad guys Neeson can take down before it gets a little stale. Unlike Taken, Unknown focuses more on the mysteries and suspense of the plot rather than gunfire and fistfights.

The movie begins with Dr. Martin Harris and his wife Elizabeth (January Jones, Mad Men) as they fly into Berlin for a biotechnology conference. After arriving at the hotel, Martin realizes he left a briefcase behind at the airport. While his wife checks in, Martin jumps in a cab to retrieve it. Thanks to an unsecure cargo truck losing its payload in the middle of traffic, Martin Harris gets an icy bath in a river as his cab careens off a bridge.

Martin wakes up in a hospital four days later, devoid of most of his memory. He remembers he’s in Berlin for a reason, and when a newscast about the conference is shown on the TV in his room, it all comes flooding back to him. He panics that his wife is alone in a foreign country, and he seems puzzled at the fact that no one has come looking for him. After convincing the doctor to allow him to leave, he rushes to the hotel, where a posh dinner is being held. He spots his wife and makes his way over to her, but this woman claims she doesn’t know who he is. In fact, there’s suddenly another Dr. Martin Harris who appears to challenge him. Hotel security “escorts” Martin out, and he returns to the hospital, confused and upset.

Normally in a film it’s easy to stand behind the main character, but I actually wondered to myself if Neeson’s character, Martin, was completely sane. Even though I – as a viewer – had watched as all of the events Martin took to be truth occurred, I wasn’t sure exactly what to believe. I couldn’t tell if this was a paranoid hallucination induced by Martin’s coma, or just the director playing a game with my head.

There’s a particular scene that really got that feeling across: when Martin is walking down an abandoned hallway to get to the tram station, a man appears behind him, walking quickly. As Martin begins to speed up, so does the man. Eventually they both break out into a full-on sprint, Martin makes it onto a train just as the doors close, and refuses to let the man in, though it certainly appears he was merely trying to catch his train. It’s a sign of good storytelling when one truly isn’t sure about how the protagonist perceives the world.

Yet my questioning of Martin’s sanity was answered as Martin returned to the hospital he woke up in. Just when Martin lets his guard down, the same man that he snubbed on the train appears in the hospital and calmly snaps the attending nurse’s neck. From that point on, the movie shifts into gear and accelerates into a exciting mystery behind the man who is Martin Harris. Martin enlists the help of a private detective (Bruno Ganz, Downfall) and tracks down the taxi driver Gina, (Diane Kruger, Inglourious Basterds) who saved his life. It’s revealed that she’s an illegal immigrant from Bosnia who was trying to make a few bucks on the side when she borrowed a friend’s taxi. Together the three try to put the pieces together, and stop the devious men trying to kill them.

Now the truth of Martin Harris, as well as his wife and his assailants, is too intricately woven into the remainder of the story to continue with my synopsis, but I can assure the reader that when the conspiracy is revealed, it isn’t what’s expected in the slightest. Not only does the story throw a curveball, but it leads the viewer down the completely wrong path.  Few movies can do this well, but Unknown pulls it off flawlessly.

Unknown is a solid thriller, with a driving storyline and spectacular settings, but I’m sad to report that the acting is mediocre. Liam Neeson is superb, as per usual, and Diane Kruger provides a sturdy supporting role. However, while Kruger excels at giving her characters life, Gina isn’t much of a character to breathe life into. There’s a subplot in which Gina and Martin start to fall for each other, but it feels forced, as Neeson could easily pass for her father. Besides Bruno Ganz as Detective Jürgen, there just aren’t any memorable characters. This isn’t the fault of the actors, however, as it seems to me that the writers were too concentrated on the overall plot to give the characters any more depth than cardboard cutouts.

Regardless, I enjoyed Unknown. It was nice to take a break from action movies with the basic plot where Good Guy is wronged by Bad Guy and lots of guns are fired; or conspiracy movies where everyone is a traitor in some way or another. Though there isn’t anything spectacular about Unknown, it draws the viewer in with the mysterious storyline. Perhaps that was the goal, for how can something remain unknown if it leaves a memorable impression?

★★★★☆

Photo courtesy of Jeff Coleman

If Photojournalism Teacher Jeff Coleman’s life were a photo album, it would be full to bursting with pictures of the different places he’s seen and all the things he’s done. Though one of his current passions may be getting up early to catch the sunrise with his photo club, Coleman’s interests did not always lie in photography. “I studied French in college and I was a French teacher for quite a while before I started teaching photography,” said Coleman. “I was the French teacher here [at TJ] for five years.”

As a young man, Coleman says he was much like many high school student: a little caught up in the hustle and bustle, and unsure of what to do in life. “For most of the time I was in high school, I had no clue what I wanted to be when I grew up, and my early years of college the same. I was a sociology major at first, mainly just because I liked one of the professors in that department,” said Coleman.  “Then I left school for a long time, and when I went back, I was interested in French literature, so I studied that.  And when I got my degree, there was nothing I could do with it but become a teacher, so that’s how I ended up in the teaching profession.”

During Coleman’s leave of absence from school, he was incredibly active. “I spent four years in the Coast Guard running search and rescue boats on northern Lake Michigan,” said Coleman. “It was mostly pretty boring, but there were occasions where we got in some fairly hairy rescues. One in particular stands out: there was a 26-foot Catalina sailboat that had capsized in a storm. That was pretty much an all night operation,” he laughs, “trying to get it righted and towed in.”  Harrowing though his experiences were, he says they were not all life or death situations. “There were some pretty humorous calls,” he chuckles. “There was a guy that’d run his boat aground on just about every sandbar in a 50-mile radius.”

After his time in the Coast Guard, Coleman moved to Colorado and got a job at a ski shop. “It was nice, because being in the ski business you get a lot of perks, as far as deals on equipment, free lift tickets, and stuff like that,” said Coleman. “It was a fun job; most of the time you had days off during the week so you could ski when the slopes weren’t crowded. We’d ski 40-50 days a year.”

Throughout his life, Coleman has traveled across the globe. “I’ve been all over the United States, and then covered a fair amount of Europe and Australia. I’ve never been to Africa or Asia yet, or South America, but those are places on my list,” said Coleman, who, although he’s been all over, says it’s hard to pick a favorite. “That’s a tough call,” he says, stroking his chin. “I really like Ireland, and I really like Western Australia. The people there are real friendly and interesting.”

Yet it was the call of the camera that finally drew Coleman in. “What I got interested in was black and white photography back in the film days, and I think it was looking at other photographs by really good photographers like Robert Capa, and Margaret Bourke-White, and people like that,” said Coleman. “When I really got interested in making my own photographs was about 18-20 years ago.”

Photography is, much like any art form, hard to master for most people. However, Coleman is not most people. “Mostly I taught myself [photography] over time,” said Coleman. “I’ve had a few mentors that have taught me a little bit here and there, and I attended some workshops, but mostly I’m self taught.”

Photography is more than just a subject to teach for Coleman. “Photography is an art form, it’s a means of expression; it’s a way for the photographer to express their personal vision, as much as it is a way of representing the reality of the physical world,” said Coleman. “The whole process of creating a photograph, everything that you do from the beginning, when you start scoping out a site, figuring out what you’re going to shoot, what kind of equipment you need, is just an enjoyable process. In the old days, back when we still did film, the dark room was a big favorite of mine. I loved spending hours in there, messing around with the chemicals and making magic.”

Coleman loves everything about photography, as well as teaching it. And though things have changed, Coleman’s kept up with the times. “Photoshop allows you to do amazing things that you could never do before,” said Coleman. “You can create images that weren’t possible with just film and chemicals, but there was a certain hands-on, getting up to your elbows in it, splashing around kind of quality that the dark room had that you don’t get with digital processing.”

In his spare time, Coleman enjoys sailing around Lake Dillon, canoeing in various lakes, wind surfing, hiking, reading, cycling, and playing a wide variety of musical instruments, including the guitar, the bass guitar, and the mandolin. “Everybody plays the guitar, but not many play the mandolin,” said Coleman. “I wanted to try something different.”

Though his days in the darkroom are gone, Coleman’s photo album of life won’t be done developing for quite a while.

Artwork by Hayden Johnson

Until Dead Space‘s release in 2008, I had never been afraid of a video game. Though horror games had been creepy, unnerving, or just made me jump, I was never scared. It was only after I watched demonic monsters pop out of vents, shrug off bullets like they were butterflies, and mercilessly slaughter my armed comrades, leaving me alone, weaponless, in the dark of a large, empty spaceship that I was completely terrified. I was frightened to the point that I couldn’t bring myself to play the game for a couple of days.

When I finally mustered up enough courage to pick up the controller again, I found that Dead Space was a horror fan’s dream. Combining an intense fight for survival, a dark mystery, an overbearing loneliness coupled with the paranoid belief that something is watching, a fantastically creepy atmosphere with delusional writings scrawled all over the walls, and a subtle psychological prodding, Dead Space does nothing less than draw the player in until the last credit rolls. The final cliffhanger at the conclusion had me jumping out of my seat in horror and excitement for the sequel. When it finally arrived, I was pleased to see it didn’t disappoint.

For those unfamiliar with the events of the first game, here’s a short synopsis: Engineer Isaac Clarke is among a small team sent to investigate a distress signal from the mining vessel USG Ishimura. Upon arriving, the team discovers that the 1,000 man crew is missing, and the vessel is as desolate as a ghost town. Isaac is soon separated from the rest of the team, and watches in horror as nightmarish creatures descend upon his team. Isaac, whose girlfriend Nicole is a crewmember aboard the Ishimura, is forced to piece together what happened, all while attempting to find his girlfriend and escape with his life. He learns that the creatures are called Necromorphs, and used to be the crew until their dead tissue was reanimated and transformed into gruesome monsters by an alien relic known as the Marker. Against all odds, Isaac is able to destroy the Marker and escape intact.

Picking up three years after the events of the first game, Isaac Clarke -the only living member of the team sent to investigate the USG Ishimura- wakes up in a straight jacket aboard the Sprawl, a city built into the remnants of one of Saturn’s moons. The Marker, with all of its supernatural powers, has toyed with Isaac’s mind and left him in a violent state of dementia that threatens to kill him. The minute Isaac awakens, it’s obvious the station has seen better days. Necromorphs have broken out across the Sprawl and, once again, Isaac has to fight to survive and figure out the mystery behind the Necromorphs and the existence of another Marker aboard the station.

Part of what I love about the Dead Space series is that Isaac is not a battle hardened marine, genetically engineered super soldier, or force wielding Jedi. He’s a simple engineer, whose fortes include fixing broken starships, not battling hordes of demons. Since this is the case, he isn’t supplied with an armory of assault rifles, so he’s forced to turn everyday tools into weapons. For example, the first and most reliable weapon is a Plasma Cutter, a simple cutting tool that has been turned into a Necromorph’s worst nightmare. Ingenuity is the name of the game, as Isaac’s arsenal includes butane torches that become flamethrowers, circular saws that turn into short ranged discs of death, and a “hammer” used for breaking up thick chunks of rock that transforms into a shotgun.

Not only does Isaac have to improvise his weapons, his enemies don’t respond to conventional weaponry. Unlike most living creatures, a Necromorph isn’t stopped by pumping its head or chest full of lead. No, a Necromorph is only halted by cutting off all of its limbs. Ghastly and gory though it may be, this is a refreshing alternative to games where spraying bullets into everything that moves will get you gold medals. The severing of limbs, or strategic dismemberment as the developers love to refer to it, gives the series certain uniqueness, as well as a slight paranoia for the gamer. If one is not sure to double check that the enemies have not literally been torn limb from limb, one is likely to pay for it later.

One of the changes that the sequel has implemented has been to give Isaac a voice. In the first installment, he was incapable of any sounds except grunts of exertion and cries of pain and terror. However, now he has a voice, vocabulary, and face with a wide array of emotion and expletives under his iconic helmet. His dementia is also particularly engrossing, making the player doubt whether or not Isaac is really fighting off armies of monsters or just hallucinating. The psychological aspect of the storyline has really upped the ante, and it turns a cut-and-paste sci-fi horror story into a desperate struggle to know the truth.

Aside from the addition of Isaac’s voice, the psychological anecdotes, a couple new weapons, and a few new enemies, the gameplay is largely the same. The only different aspects are a change to the zero-gravity mechanics and the addition of online multiplayer matches. The new game mode is entertaining, allowing players to survive and complete objectives as humans, or strike fear into the hearts of men as a Necromorph. But it isn’t anything spectacular. The other change is slightly more significant; instead of jumping from wall to wall in a zero-g environment as one did in the first game, Isaac’s suit now has thrusters and can move around freely in space.

Though I love the game, and the series, Dead Space 2 isn’t without its hitches. I will continue to have nightmares for weeks about the level that involves navigating an elementary school, but the truth is that Dead Space 2 isn’t quite as terrifying as the original. The creepy ghost ship of the original that is the Ishimura is much more terrifying than an apartment complex will ever be, and the elementary school isn’t close to the eerie hallways of the Medical Deck of the Ishimura.

Another reason why I love the series is that as one moves up in difficulty levels, enemies become harder to eliminate and ammo/health becomes harder to find. There is a perfect sort of terror where a mass of Necromorphs is advancing on the player, the player is firing away, and the gun goes, *click.* Whenever that happens, I have a small moment of disbelief, followed by fear sinking into my gut, panicking, and vainly attempting to run. However, in the sequel, it seems like the farther one gets, the easier it is for enemies to take the player out. The end of the game isn’t so much scary, as it is frustrating that one cannot get across a room while simultaneously keeping one’s innards intact. Also, the new Hardcore mode isn’t so much a challenge as it is a Herculean task. It’s the exact same as the hardest difficulty, except the player can’t carry their upgrades or weapons into the game, and the player only gets three save points, with no checkpoints. Essentially, there are only three chances to save the game, and if the players are unfortunate enough to meet their ends, they’ll have to go all the way back to their previous save. This is just meant to make people angry, and I have a feeling I’d go crazy trying to play it.

Regardless of its faults, Dead Space 2 does all the things a sequel should do: it keeps the successful formula of the original, as well as fixes the problems and adds new things that work well.

Isaac Clarke has carved a bloody swath through the video game industry, and it doesn’t look like I’ll be able to catch my breath any time soon.

★★★★☆

Artwork by Hayden Johnson

The Coen brothers are the most hit-or-miss directors I’ve ever seen. Though they have created masterpieces such as No Country for Old Men, Fargo, and O Brother, Where Art Thou?, they are far from consistent. Their black “comedies” like Burn After Reading and A Serious Man have humor so dry that the Sahara Desert looks like Vietnam during monsoon season. And that humor is hardly funny. Quirky, unique, and awkward is the name of the game for the Coen brothers, so if it’s disturbing in at least one way you can bet they’ve had their hands in it. When the Coen Co-op direct a comedy, I usually cross it off my list, but their drama and action films always are worth the ticket price.

At least that’s what I thought, until I heard they were remaking True Grit.

Never before have I been so outraged at Hollywood. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? That was upsetting. Shrek Forever After? Annoying and rather disappointing. Step Up 3D? Just plain idiotic. But the very second that news of True Grit was revealed to me I was baying for the Coen brothers’ blood. I quite literally screamed in rage at my computer screen. I don’t care what kind of director one believes himself/herself to be, remaking any John Wayne movie is a sin; the most heinous crime one can commit. And when the movie came out, not only did I refuse to see it, I considered organizing a boycott. There would be no way that anyone could see this movie and not be incredibly disappointed, I thought to myself. I was positive the Coen brothers would be shunned forevermore.

Wrong.

From the Denver Post to Roger Ebert himself, a multitude of positive reviews came pouring in. It’s even been nominated for a handful of Oscars! I was astounded. There could be no way that this was reality. I reasoned that I had to have been sucked into an alternate universe where Kazaam won three Oscars. Yet, to my dismay, this was really happening. I vehemently refused to go see it. I would not tarnish Wayne’s memory by observing this film.

I was content to ignore the movie completely, until Editor-in-Chief of the TJ Journal Luke DeGregori spent one of his weekends at the theater, watching the moving picture I would not see. Though he enjoyed it, I refused to listen to his testimony and nearly disowned him as a friend. Eventually, one of my rants was overheard by Computer Magnet Director and Newspaper Guru Matt Spampinato. Spamp, who initially had grimaced like he had just stepped in something particularly nasty when I informed him what the Coen brothers were doing, had paid his admission price and gone to see the movie. And Spamp, whose movie tastes I agreed with and respected over anyone else I know, enjoyed the movie.

I was heartbroken, devastated, and staggered. Could it really not be as bad as I feared if Spamp had enjoyed it?  Defeated, I finally swallowed my pride and agreed to see the movie, on the condition that I could write the article comparing the new vs. old versions of the film.

The drive to the theater felt like I was part of a funeral dirge, and paying for that ticket was like watching a child wrestled from the arms of his/her mother. I could hear John Wayne rolling in his grave and glaring down at me as I advanced down the hallway to the theater. I chose my seat, gritted my teeth, and prepared for the worst.

The truth, and it still pains me to utter the words, is that the movie was good. There, I said it. It was a film that would honor the title of Western. What made it good was not the haunting landscapes, coarse manner of Rooster Cogburn (Jeff Bridges, Tron: Legacy), superb acting by Hailee Steinfeld (who made her film debut as Mattie Ross) or the fact that the most recent adaptation stays closer to the book than the original. What made it good is that this is a version of the written story, and not a remake of the classic film.

Jeff Bridges is not John Wayne, nor does he try to be. Bridges’ Cogburn is a merciless old drunkard who gets the job done, while Wayne’s was mean-spirited and prone to vices, but an ultimately noble and just lawman. While Wayne turned Cogburn into an icon that parts the movie with the quote, “Well, come and see a fat old man sometime,” Bridges makes Cogburn worthy of the title of “True Grit” with his gritty demeanor, attitude, and style.

Both movies have the same plot; 14 year old Mattie Ross wants Tom Chaney (Josh Brolin, Jonah Hex) dead for the murder of her father. She eventually hires Rooster Cogburn to help her track down Chaney, and they are joined by Texas Ranger LaBoeuf (Matt Damon, Green Zone) in the search. Eventually they find Chaney riding with “Lucky” Ned Peppers (Brian Pepper, Casino Jack) and, like any Western, bullets fly. What sets the two apart is the fact that Cogburn is front and center in the original movie, while the most recent is all Mattie’s story. The new adaptation, like the book, starts with, is narrated by, and ends with 40 year old Mattie recalling this story from her childhood. The ’69 film focuses on her solely during her experiences as a 14 year old girl. Also, while Kim Darby’s (Better off Dead…) Mattie is so tomboyish she’s almost a boy who hasn’t hit puberty, Steinfeld’s Mattie is a strong-willed girl who has come face to face with a harsh world and become tougher than iron.

The simple truth is that while both versions are about the same story, the original ’69 movie is in a realm of its own. Everything John Wayne touched became gold, and that is enough to make the original a classic. I have to hand it to the Coen brothers though, they were on very thin ice when they chose to remake the movie, but didn’t really remake it. They just took a more linear adaptation of the book. The movie is a classic example of a good Western, but that’s all it really is. Though Bridges, Steinfeld, Brolin, and Damon did a great job with their roles, the new True Grit didn’t bring anything new to the table. However, whether it be John Wayne or Jeff Bridges, I’ll never get tired of the scene where Cogburn rides towards four armed gunmen on horseback with a pistol in one hand and a rifle in the other, and the reins in his teeth, right after saying “Fill yer hand, you son of a…” well, you get the idea.

★★★★☆

Artwork By: Hayden Johnson

The holidays are creeping ever closer, and while the big guy in the red suit might take care of some of one’s holiday needs, many people need a little something more for their stockings. What better gift than a good ol’ holiday movie? Designed to turn even the darkest Scrooge into a large, rosy cheeked, cheerful old man, holiday movies can make the weather outside less frightful.

However, there is many-a-movie to pick from, and some are less than fulfilling. Never fear, for I have compiled a list of ten great movies to choose from. So sit back, relax, and slide up next to a warm fireplace with a mug of hot cocoa, because here are the Top 10 Greatest Holiday Movies!

#10: Bad Santa
Okay, this movie might not embody the most heartwarming aspects of Christmas, but never before have I laughed so hard at a holiday movie.  Billy Bob Thornton (Faster) plays a drunken, disgusting, foul-mouthed mall Santa whose only purpose is to rob the stores blind during the Christmas season. However, he meets a troubled young boy who teaches him the true meaning of Christmas. Regardless of how lame it is, this movie is so hilarious I had to include it, simply for its comedic value.

#9: Home Alone
This movie isn’t exactly about the holidays, but it sure does its part for being an entertaining work. Everyone knows the story of poor young Kevin McCallister (Macaulay Culkin, Home Alone) who is left alone as his family flies to France for Christmas and has to fend off two bumbling thieves, but what is surprising about this movie is that it draws out a bit of pity for the kid. I mean, if one is the runt of the litter, that person would probably feel as relieved as Kevin is that to get some free space. But since the holiday season is all about family, it’s almost painful to watch him take care of himself. It’s that tug of emotion that makes this movie worthwhile, and there are laughs aplenty – especially with the clumsy burglars – for the whole family.

#8: Eight Crazy Nights
Yes, this is an Adam Sandler movie, and yes, there certainly is Sandler’s characteristic bawdy sense of humor everywhere, but this movie capitalizes on a heartwarming tale that I would never have imagined. Though Davey Stone (Adam Sandler) is down and out of luck, as well as full of hate, he learns to turn his life around through the kindness of a little old man. Shockingly crude, but ultimately touching, Eight Crazy Nights brings more than a smile to any face.

#7: A Christmas Story
Possibly one of the most iconic holiday movies ever, A Christmas Story coined the phrase, “You’ll shoot your eye out!” This comedy of errors has it all: a nerdy main character Ralphie, a tongue stuck to a flagpole, a bunny suit, a creepy Santa, Christmas Carols sung by Chinese waiters, a leg lamp, and an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot-Range Model Air Rifle! This movie is a classic, and easily deserves a spot on any holiday list.

#6: The Polar Express
This animated train ride took off in 2004, and it has been capturing the magic of the book ever since. Though there truly is no comparison to the iconic book, The Polar Express does a pretty good job of staying true to the formula. However, it takes some minor detours to make the movie longer, that really have no purpose. Yet, it capitalizes on the “seeing is believing” vs. “believing in what one can’t see” motifs, and is visually amazing. It almost feels too real for animation. When one is in need of a little more Christmas spirit, all one needs is a trip on The Polar Express.

#5: The Nightmare Before Christmas
Back when Tim Burton wasn’t a sellout, he created a movie that arguably became his greatest film: The Nightmare Before Christmas. Stuffed with exciting artwork, catchy songs, a haunting story, and a Pumpkin King who just wants a little something new, The Nightmare Before Christmas is Burton’s most amazing production. It incorporated dazzling clay animations that had never really gained a place on the big screens before, and is just plain fun. Plus, the Halloween twist on Christmas is a most hilarious affair. So if the cheesy cheer of most films isn’t enough, a haunting nightmare might suit one’s holidays better.

#4: Miracle on 34th Street
Even the most bitter of cynics cannot help but smile at Miracle on 34th Street. It was this movie that helped me believe in Santa for years after most of my friends had stopped.  The story focuses upon an old man (Edmund Gwenn, The Trouble with Harry) who fills in for Santa in the Macy’s parade. He then claims to be Kris Kringle, the actual Santa Claus, and turns the world of cynical mother Doris Walker (Maureen O’Hara, The Quiet Man) and her daughter Susan upside down. The whole film reeks of forties-era charm and cheesiness, but it’s just so uplifting that it’s not the same old rehashed cliché. It ends in a trial over whether he really is Santa or just insane, and it is a nail-biter until the very end. This movie is a staple of the holidays, and I highly recommend it.

#3.  It’s a Wonderful Life
This movie has become as connected to Christmas as Santa himself. One of the most depressing, and yet inspiring movies of all time, It’s a Wonderful Life has been deterring any dark thoughts since I was a child. Everyone knows the story of George Bailey (James Stewart, Rear Window) who contemplates suicide on Christmas Eve after his uncle loses an $8,000 bag of cash, keeping the skinflint Mr. Potter (Lionel Barrymore, Key Largo) from taking over the town. However, a gentle angel named Clarence (Henry Travers, It’s a Wonderful Life) shows Bailey just what life would have been like without him ever in it. This movie is arguably the best Christmas movie of all time, and I’d be the first one to argue that.

#2. The Muppet Christmas Carol
This movie is my all time favorite adaption of Dickens’ classic; I mean, what’s better than Michael Caine (Inception) as Scrooge with Muppets? I’ll admit, the Muppets are my guilty pleasure. I’ve loved all their movies since I could walk, and I will never get tired of Kermit, Gonzo, or Rizzo the Rat. The Muppet Christmas Carol is the first Christmas movie I can remember ever watching, and it has held a dear place in my heart ever since. This has all the wondrous storytelling of Dickens’ Scrooge, but with the zany humor of the Muppets for some much improved comic relief. Sure this movie isn’t as true to the whole story as the original, but who can’t love the Muppets? I have made it my tradition to watch this movie every year, and it will never get old.

#1 How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000 remake)
Is the live action Jim Carrey remake as good as the original cartoon?
No.
Is this movie the greatest holiday movie of all time?
Certainly not.
In fact, compared to other icons, it’s pretty low on the list. But this version is undoubtedly my guilty pleasure Christmas movie. It’s so lame and cheesy that it’s fun, and that’s what I love the most about it. Sure, Jim Carrey (Yes Man) is just silly as the Grinch, but that’s the whole point. The ridiculous shenanigans of the actor add to the ridiculous atmospheric shenanigans of the set and the characters! Another thing I love about the movie is the intricate sets and makeup. It’s the most makeup in a movie since the Wizard of Oz, and it really feels like I’m being pulled into a separate world. I’ve been watching this movie every year since its release, and by now I know every line by heart. Though some critics may not agree, I absolutely love this film. You have to admit, Carrey makes a pretty creepy Grinch.

Well folks, there you have it. Any of those movies easily put one in a festive mood. Heartwarming, cheesy, clichéd and silly as they are, it’s impossible to be a Scrooge when a good holiday film is filling the air with cheer. So Happy Holidays to all, and to all a good night!

Artwork by Luke DeGregori

I’m pretty sure Cowboys and Ninjas didn’t even appear in the same time period, let alone should they be in the same movie.

This ludicrousness is evidently apparent to everyone else, as I was the only person sitting in the theater for the duration of the film. Never before have I been completely alone in a movie theater, and although it was nice that there wasn’t a tall guy in front of me and I could put my feet up anywhere I wanted, it was possibly one of the loneliest moments of my life. So, if it wasn’t obvious enough already, this movie is about as practical as using a horseshoe as a throwing star.

Ninjas are known as silent assassins, blending in with the shadows and striking when their target least expects it. Cowboys, on the other hand, are loud, rowdy, quick-drawing gunslingers who rely on the element of speed. So what kind of movie would combine them? They simply don’t mesh. One side has firearms, the other has blades. One side focuses on stealth, the other on skills like aiming and horseback riding. They just don’t work together, and this movie is a shining example that movie genres usually shouldn’t be combined.

There’s nothing about The Warrior’s Way that can be taken seriously. From the opening scene to the end credits, I was laughing my way through the entire plot, which would be good, except for the fact that this isn’t a comedy.

The silliness of the film starts with a narration from Geoffery Rush (Pirates of the Caribbean) who is way too good of an actor to be in this garbage. Rush says that this is a tale of, “Sad Flutes, a laughing baby, and a weeping sword.” Yeah, I thought that was pretty random, too. So the opening scene is of a lone Asian guy cutting through swaths of ninjas clad in black robes and…dreadlocks? I swear, some ninja jumped out of a lake about five feet into the air, and landed with dreadlocks flapping against his head. Anyway, Rush tells us that it was this killer’s dream to become the greatest swordsman in the world, and by slaughtering all of these ninjas, including some master swordsman, he obtained his goal, but just felt more empty. However, the only thing that stands in the way of victory is the baby girl of the enemy clan he just wiped out. Cold-blooded as this guy is, he can’t kill a little kid, so he simply picks her up like a sack of groceries and decides to get on a boat to America.

Alright, what? In the first five minutes, the movie fails to make any definite sense. The swordsman (Dong-gun Jang, Friend), who really isn’t definitively named, calmly slaughters everyone except a baby, then picks it up like it’s a bag of laundry! Doesn’t this seem a little weird? There’s not even any dialogue! Just a fight scene in the Green Screen district of Eastern Asia! It’s painfully obvious from the start that the movie’s only selling point is the action.

So Mr. Swordsman travels to a town in the West of which I can’t even remember the name, in search of an old friend. Since I can’t remember the town name, and it obviously isn’t even important enough to the plot to know, I’m going to call it Green-Screensville. Now Green-Screensville isn’t exactly your typical Wild West town. In fact, Green-Screensville is more like a conked out carnival than a town, complete with a broken Ferris Wheel, carnie citizens, a fake desert to reside in thanks to green screen movie magic, and a black midget named Eight-Ball as the mayor. I’m beginning to think more and more that the director and producers were on serious drugs for this expedition.

From this point on the movie’s plotline devolves into a puddle of goo. Mr. Swordsman’s friend is dead, and so Mr. Swordsman decides to take up his dead friend’s job as the laundryman. He is befriended by the midget, as well as the fiery redheaded tomboy, Lynne (Kate Bosworth, 21), who aid him in settling into the humdrum of everyday life. However, the town has become a favorite spot for a group of outlaws under a man known as the Colonel (Danny Huston, X-Men Origins: Wolverine) to terrorize, and the town is set upon by filthy, gun-wielding cowboys.

Pleased as I was to see some cowboy firearms in this movie, I was much less pleased with the final outcome. The cowboys look less like outlaws and more like engineers, with ridiculous hats and goggles instead of the common cowboy hat and bandana. The Colonel and Lynne have a grudge against each other, as the Colonel murdered Lynne’s parents and tried to do the same to her, among other things (Sound familiar? Our hero essentially had the same experience at the beginning of the movie, except he wasn’t enough of a villain to actually pull the trigger). So as Lynne prepares to have her revenge, it’s up to Mr. Swordsman to save the day.

The rest of the film focuses around the fighting between Carnies, Cowboys, Mr. Swordsman, and Ninjas hunting Mr. Swordsman and the baby, because apparently the group of assassins can hear Mr. Swordsman’s blade from miles away. Regardless of the silliness in that idea, the rest of the movie is solely what the trailers have led one to believe: The Warrior’s Way is a blood-splattered-fight-fest. Movies like this aren’t supposed to be taken seriously, but I guess no one told director Sngmoo Lee that, because the movie takes itself so seriously that it’s laughable. Jang’s English is so bad I was convinced he was the time traveling younger self of Mr. Myagi. Every line of dialogue is almost painful to hear, so I’m rather glad he wasn’t given much to say.

Absurd as this movie is, its fight scenes are actually pretty well made. Though it’s all done in front of a green screen with ninjas on cables, it’s incredibly entertaining to watch. There’s actually a scene in particular where some cowboy has a machine gun and is mowing down ninjas, only to have the lights go out and Mr. Swordsman to slaughter all the outlaws by the light of the muzzle flashes that is especially cool. Also, I actually found myself caring for the residents of the Carnie town halfway in. Though Mr. Swordsman has less personality than a two by four, the rest of the inhabitants were entertaining, enjoyable, and provided the much needed comic relief.

Regretfully, that’s about all that’s good about The Warrior’s Way. Jang’s dialogue is choppy and unneeded, the Colonel’s side plot is almost completely unnecessary, and it seems like the Ninja Master and the Colonel are having a silent Who’s-The-Biggest-Jerk competition. And when the dust settles and it’s time for the final battle between teacher and student (Ninja Master and Mr. Swordsman), it just flashes back to Mr. Swordsman’s original training and stops. It’s one of the most clichéd and silly endings I’ve ever seen. It’s like the director forgot he had to film the end of the movie, or that he realized it was all so cliché with the swordsman walking off into the sunset that he decided the only way to lessen the cliché was to just cut the final battle. Also, what kind of notorious ninja assassin clan that wants to be taken seriously calls themselves the Sad Flutes? That just sounds like a lame indie rock band.

Bottom line is, the effects are interesting, the fight scenes are well choreographed, and the movie has a feeling of surreal legend to it, with a whole lot of flair. But that’s about it. Fight scenes, clichés, and cool effects can’t keep any film afloat, especially one as rife with holes as Cowboys and Ninjas.
★☆☆☆☆

Artwork by Mia Nogueira

For the last six years, a horror tradition has foreshadowed the Halloween season. Just before Halloween a new Saw movie has been released just days before the night when monsters and ghouls walk the earth. This year, however, marks the end of that ritual, as Saw 3D is promised to be the final installment of the series.

The cynical reviewer in me is happy to see the end, as there’s been a steady downhill since the third installment. However, the horror fan in me is sad to see the series finally end, as I’ve been a huge fan of the psychological twists and turns since I stumbled upon the second movie late one night. Though my two halves have been squabbling incessantly, I’ve finally come to a consensus: the series had to end, and Saw 3D was a most fitting curtain call for Mr. Jigsaw.

Ever since John Kramer (Tobin Bell, Saw), the feared Jigsaw killer, kicked the bucket back in the third movie, the plot has been as easy to navigate as a maze of barbed wire. However, the easiest way to sum up the story so far is that nearly everyone involved in one of Jigsaw’s ghastly tests has not been fortunate enough to make it out alive. The detectives and FBI agents on his trail have met with similar demises, and even Jigsaw’s apprentices have been done in one way or another, with the exception of former detective Mark Hoffman (Costas Mandalor, Saw IV). After narrowly escaping death in Saw VI, Hoffman is on the warpath for revenge against Jill Tuck (Betsy Russell, Saw IV), who left him in the series’ iconic head trap as per Jigsaw’s final request.

Yet a small group of survivors has banded around fellow survivor Bobby Dagen (Sean Patrick Flannery, Boondock Saints). Dagen has turned his experience into something positive, writing a self-help book and organizing Jigsaw survivor therapy sessions. Dagen seems like a stand-up guy, but his PR assistant, lawyer, and manager are more focused on making as much money as they can from his story. Though Dagen had some impressive scars that he claimed were from his test, I couldn’t put my finger on which predecessor he had appeared in. I had a hunch it was a bunch of bologna.

Hand me a crystal ball, ‘cause my prediction was correct.

Dagen soon wakes up in a metal cage, as Jigsaw’s signature puppet informs him that the charade of his survival is up, and it’s about time that he was really tested. He then proceeds through a series of tests, all which pay an ironic homage to the mantra, “See no evil, Speak no evil, Hear no evil.”

During Dagen’s trials, Tuck appeals to the police, revealing Hoffman as Jigsaw’s last apprentice for protection. Hoffman has some different plans, however, initiating a few more tests (including one involving a car, an enclosed garage, and a character played by Chester Bennington, one of the singers from rock band Linkin Park) designed to fool the police as well as throw them off the trail with a couple falsified clues. They introduce a new detective, Gibson (Chad Donella, Shattered Glass), who does nothing noteworthy aside from follow Hoffman’s trail like a good little lemming. Hoffman’s ruse gets him inside the station under everyone’s noses, whereupon he begins a veritable killing spree. Let’s just say he really enjoys that knife of his. There isn’t any more I can say about Hoffman’s devious ways and thirst for vengeance without ruining the film, but fans of the franchise will be pleased to finally see what happens when that iconic head trap actually goes off.

There’s one thing that Saw3D does that makes it worth seeing, and it isn’t the 3D effects. It’s that it wraps up the saga completely. The film leaves no loose end untied, no question unanswered – especially the one regarding Dr. Lawrence Gordon (Cary Elwes, The Princess Bride) from the original – and no audience member without a grimace. There were many different occasions when I found myself wincing at the grisly traps, and after six previous films, it’s hard to make me squirm.

I’ve hated the 3D gimmick since its origin, and though it is entertaining when sparks, debris, or body liquids leave the boundaries of the screen, the effects are completely unnecessary. It seems Lionsgate Films has performed just like any other money-grubbing production company and hopped on the Gimmick Bandwagon. Aside from the 3D, there haven’t been too many changes to the good ol’ Saw formula. There’s still the same scene where the camera spins around the victim of a trap like an out of control merry-go-round, and the same building suspense as the authorities hunt for the game’s puppeteer. If it ain’t broke (and it gets people through the theater doors) don’t fix it, right?

There is one thing I’ve loved about these last two installments, however, and that’s the return to the roots of Saw that director Kevin Greutert brings to the table. Saw III, IV, and V were so complicated that Inception becomes a walk in the park. They were also driven by traps rather than a plot, and Jigsaw was barely more than the initiator of a new gory test. Greutert brings back the haunting dialogue of Jigsaw’s instructions heard in earlier installments, as well as the creepiness of the puppet that isn’t seen through a television.

Saw’s biggest lure isn’t the horrid traps, the intense twists of the storyline, or the phrase, “I want to play a game.” What gets people into the theaters, and money into the company’s pockets, are the thoughts of what the viewer would do in that situation. I’ve been in many interesting conversations with others on whether or not one could perform the sacrifice necessary to escape with one’s life, and many arguments over what could have happened if the unfortunate victim did what was required of him/her instead of trying to get around it somehow. Though the cinematography is not always spectacular, nor the directing superb, it’s the “what if’s” – the circumstances that make me think – that makes this my favorite horror series of all time. With that, there’s only one thing left to say: Game Over.
★★★★☆